


To Love, To Lose

by orphan_account



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: AT LEAST I FUCKING HOPE SO, Angst, Canon Divergent, F/F, pre-mattie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-12
Updated: 2015-09-12
Packaged: 2018-04-20 08:29:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4780616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Carmilla should have said something. She should’ve told Laura that it was Maman, that she’d been in Perry. Instead, she made a choked sobbing noise, and pulled Laura’s head into her lap, rocking her softly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love, To Lose

_C._

_It’s been ten years, and I’ve got my new set of scars._

_From broken hearts, to broken arms, And searching out to where you are._

_L._

_Who’s gonna love you, now?_

_The gravity brought you down._

_Now, that I’m not around, Who’s gonna love you, now?_

_\- Jeff Pianki, ‘Missing Pieces.’_

xxx

_You are more to me, than any of them has any idea._

They’d probably known. Monica Gellar, the bio major, the Summers and the Zetas.

Then, again, they probably hadn’t.

Mattie definitely had. But, her older sister always had a way of seeing through her façades.

_You are the atmosphere of beauty through which I see life;_

Had Laura been aware? Had she been able to look past the snark and innuendos, and seen the clear affection she held for the blonde?

_You are the incarnation of all lovely things;_

Love had always felt like such a trivial thing, to her. Something humans did. She wasn’t human. She couldn’t even remember being Mircalla. All she remembered was Laura.

_I think about you every night._

Laura Hollis, and her way of caring about everybody, all at once. Carmilla often wondered how her heart never burst, from being too big. How she could handle all those emotions. Laura, so beautiful- and, not because she was a pretty face, no. She was so much more.

_It’s not fucking fair._

That night was on replay, a painful memory that Carmilla would never be able to escape.

 _It should have been me_.

“That much is true.” She slurred, downing another bottle of beer. Carmilla had lost count of how many she’d had, but who gave a shit? Definitely not her.

Caring would mean emotions, and that would mean feeling- Carmilla had been numb inside since.. _then._

How long had it been? Five, maybe ten years? The days blurred together without any type of variation, that the brunette found it hard to believe that there had once been a time she’d held Laura in her own hands. Kissed her, touched her.

Loved her.

Carmilla threw the bottle against the wall, the pieces shattering and falling on the floor with a wholly unsatisfying myriad of _clinks._

Khalil Gibran had once said: “ _Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth, until the hour of separation_.”

Bullshit. Complete and utter crap.

Carmilla knew she loved Laura. She’d know it long before Laura had been lost forever. Long before Mattie had waltzed in and first suggested it. Long before they’d even kissed.

“ _Hell, even you deserve better_!” The angry blonde had said, and that had sparked something in Carmilla.

 _Me?_ She had wanted to argue. _Unlikely._

She’d been screwed from the start, in all honestly.

It’d taken them a while to figure out Maman’s spirit lived on. Inside Lophiiformes, of all places. Explained why that angler beast had always seemed oddly sadistic to Carmilla.

Of course, when they finally figured out, Maman had caught a clue. She wasn’t there anymore. Perry had been acting off, now that Carmilla thought back. It had been so goddamn obvious, as well, like a neon sign pointing her in the right direction. If she hadn’t been such an imbecile, had actually seen two feet ahead of her, Laura might still be-

She gulped, taking another swig of booze, and knowing she’d fully regret it in the morning. Carmilla couldn’t bring herself to care.

Sometimes, when the empty rooms were too much for her to bear, she went back and visited them. In her cat form, she’d prance around, not missing the important moments. Not for herself, but for Laura. If she were still here, with Carm, she wouldn’t want to miss these things.

Carmilla was there for Lafontaine and Perry’s wedding. A beautiful ceremony, she had to admit.

Carmilla was there when Danny and Kirsch finally cleaned up their act, and admitted how they felt.

Carmilla was there for Laura’s funeral.

She’d waited it out, sitting rigidly in the grass and waiting for everybody to leave. Her father stayed there for three days, tears streaming down his face, a flood of ‘I’m sorry,’ and ‘please come back’ escaping him.

If only he knew that the cause of his grief was a few feet away from him.

When Mr. Hollis had finally torn himself away from the newly carved gravestone, Carmilla approached it, herself. In her hands were white lilies, held tightly against her chest. The minute she opened her eyes (“ _in loving memory, Laura Hollis_ ” the fucking thing had said), Carmilla dropped the flowers and took of running.

That was the last time she’d been in Austria, for personal reasons. The rest were basically her duty.

America wasn’t too bad, she decided. People didn’t seem to notice much of anything, here. They were all wrapped up in their silly little lives, with their false notions of happiness.

Would she ever be happy again?

No.

And she was the one to blame.

xxx

“Hey, IHOP.” Carmilla called out to Perry, flopping unceremoniously on the couch. “Have you seen Laura?”

Perry, or who she thought had been Perry, had been cleaning the silver. She turned to Carmilla, holding up the candlesticks, a blank look on her features. “It’s quite beautiful, isn’t it? Such a shame it’s gone to waste on the likes of you and your romantic conquests.”

Carmilla frowned. “What the hell are you talking about?” She demanded, actual concern laced in her voice.

“Carm, you could have helped me. We could have done so much.” Perry continued, in a singsong voice. “Hmm, guess not. Seems that whoever it is you’re currently all tangled up with, is the one pulling the reigns.”

The brunette was now on her feet, fists rolled up. “What have you done with Perry?” She asked, glaring.

“That isn’t important. She’s safe, her subconscious is stored up here, somewhere.” Maman explained, dismissively. “Frankly, you should be more worried about what’s going to happen to your current Barbie doll.”

Carmilla’s eyes narrowed. “Let’s get one thing clear: you don’t touch her. You don’t even look at her. Lay one hand on her head, and I will go to my grave in attempts to make sure you fuck off, for good.”

Maman brought a hand to her chest. “Oh, kitty cat. You remember how we used to be?” She approached Carm, grazing a palm over the vampire’s soft features. Carmilla stiffened.

“We were oh-so-close, when you first turned. I was teaching you the ways of the world.” Carmilla tried to pull away, but Maman held unto her chin roughly. “Then,” she growled, “you had to go and fall for the idiotic ninny, Ell. Oh, I remember her.”

“Shut up.” Carmilla said, meekly.

“And, what you don’t know?” Maman approached Carmilla’s face, whispering. “After she left? She came back, kitty cat. Apparently, she cared about you, so much, it didn’t matter to her that you were a beast.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. “What?”

Maman cackled. “Oh, yes. Beautiful, isn’t it? Poetic, even. Well, I couldn’t have you figuring that out.”

The brunette took a shaky breath, steadying her spinning head. “What did you do to her?” She asked, softly, fearful of the answer.

“Her blood tasted delicious.” Maman answered, a delighted smirk on her features. Carmilla, overtaken with rage, swung at her mother, pushing her down on the floor, and pinning her down.

Maman laughed. “Oh, kitty cat. You’ve really begun to overestimate yourself, haven’t you?” She grabbed Carmilla’s temples, and began a low chant. The brunette writhed and screamed, before falling unconscious.

xxx

Carmilla didn’t remember much, after that. She didn’t know what Maman had done to Laura. She didn’t know how.

All she knew, was the overwhelming stench of blood, everywhere; shimmering on the floor, splattered on the roof, and terrifying on her hands and body.

Laura, covered head to toe in a disgusting shade of Crimson, had her soft brown eyes wide open. She looked at Carmilla with betrayal, and a scared look.

Carmilla should have said something. She should’ve told Laura that it was Maman, that she’d been in Perry. Instead, she made a choked sobbing noise, and pulled Laura’s head into her lap, rocking her softly.

Tears streamed down her face, and it was like that- with Laura’s blood on her clothes- that the rest of them found her. LaF had ran to Perry, who’d been knocked out in the corner of the room, checking to make sure she was still breathing, before looking up at Carmilla accusingly.

“ _I knew we shouldn’t have trusted her_.” She remembered Danny saying. Yet, none of them moved towards Laura.

_Take her. Make sure she’s okay. Fucking take her._

They didn’t.

Carmilla looked down, and quietly closed Laura’s eyes, before pressing a deep kiss to her lips, and a chaste one to her temple. “ _I love you_.” She whispered to her hair. “ _I always will, cupcake. I’m so sorry_.”

And, with that, she laid Laura’s head in the ground, carefully, shot the people she’d known had become her somewhat friends a tragic look, and ran off.

She’d never forget the look in Laura’s eyes.

She’d always regret not explaining, not telling her how much she adored her. She wished she could forget that final sentiment, that had been shining in the deep brown of Laura’s pupils.

_I thought you cared about me._

Carmilla laughed, bitterly, before taking a long swig of another bottle of beer.

_Yes, my love, I do._

_It’s this fucking world that hates me._

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this quite a while ago. Can’t say I prefer it to canon, BUT CANON HURTS.
> 
> xoxo


End file.
